do puppies ponder?

lately I've been vacillating, or oscillating, or whichever word better describes the pendulum swinging of the soul over the unfettered, unknown, undefined black space of uncertainty. the future. human history. my life. death and its inevitability. these are the things I find myself pondering while driving, or brushing my teeth, or watching america's next top model (in the failed attempt to stop thinking about such things). I look at puppies and wonder what their sweet squishy minds are going on about? perhaps they know the answers and so fret not? perhaps they understand the futility of worry, so worry not? perhaps they are simply thinking: eat, sleep, poop, repeat... I just want a break from the perpetual breakdown. I mean, yeah, I'm gonna die. we're all gonna die. putting the weight of that thought on the scale of my daily life doesn't do much but make my tummy hurt. I think I'm going to make a list, lists are like a mother's tit: they soothe, they satiate.

things I would like to do if I get the chance before I inevitably die as I am inevitably going to do one day perhaps soon or perhaps not for a long time (in no particular order):

1.) go to the grand canyon (I can't believe I still haven't done this)
2.) get paid to travel and sing my songs for people happy to hear them
3.) make babies, 2 or 3, or 8
4.) get electrolysis on my wolverine neck so I can stop wasting my life shaving it OR accept its existence and let it grow like the wild
5.) walk from the pacific ocean to the atlantic ocean
6.) learn to play the cello
7.) make some decorative pillows
8.) become an expert on something and then talk about it in a ken burns documentary (there's still time)
9.) roll down a hill in scotland
10.) eat sushi in japan
11.) go to newfoundland, just because I really like that its name is 3 words crammed together and then pronounced differently
12.) do that cheek swab ancestry thing and find out where I come from
13.) make a short film in which I eat so much ice cream that I projectile puke milk shake
14.) make enough money to pay for my parents to finally take that trip to ireland (and go with them)
15.) inspire people to be more open and honest and vulnerable, by being open and honest and vulnerable
16.) write a book, or several books on various things
17.) take a long trip on a boat somewhere warm
18.) begin again (for the tenth time) and actually finish anna karenina and brothers karamazov
19.) sing in front of a full orchestra and give people goosebumps and make people cry (in a good way)
20.) learn how to love and live heartfull in the moment knowing that it's all we really have

wow, I feel better, lighter, brighter! perhaps you would enjoy making a list...

much love,
b

so much is going right

color and light and chicken fingers and friendship, that's really all I need to be happy. why do I overcomplicate it so often and with such zeal? such pizzazz! such goddamned earnestness. I want to let up a little, be a little easier on life. life as far as I can tell is about as lovely as you see it, as willing as you call it, as wonderful as you will it. fine fine, you think I'm a new-age-hippie-freak for speaking in such a way. a blatant disregard for suffering. but no! no that's not it at all! I acknowledge the experience of suffering. what I am speaking about is the tendency (my own) to build a shrine for that pain. to prostrate oneself at daybreak to the god of unholiness. to get down on your knees, hands folded, praising the dark lord of doom and destruction, thanking him for proving to you on this shittiest of days --when this didn't go right and this thing went wrong and this asshole did this-- thanking him for proving you right, that life is hard and humbling shit eating work.

jesus h christ the first, what about all the glory on high? what about sunning your buns in the sun, or taking in a new landscape, or studying the crinkles in your laughing friend's face? what about pizza for pete's sake?! what about the gentle feeling of the breeze on your face as the sun is taking its break from shining on your side of the globe? what about love? that feeling that scares the pants off you (sometimes literally if you're lucky). what about dancing in your underwear in your room and thinking you're about the coolest dude on earth and if only everyone could see you in that moment, you'd be famous, so! fucking! famous! what about all of that?! why can't that be what we talk about when we get together?

why must we talk so much about what's going wrong when clearly SO MUCH IS GOING RIGHT?!

I mean, come on! hummingbirds! mountaintops! baby talk! donut holes! moonwalks! dinosaur bones! the world is so full of so many incredible things we could talk about, and yet here we are, talking about parking tickets, and rude waiters, and ingrown hairs. I declare a new holiday! So Much is Going Right Day. tomorrow, July 12th, talk about all the good and decent things about the day you're lucky enough to spend miraculously experiencing this crazy little show we call being a human being, living on earth, figuring out to the best of your ability what that means to you. happy holidays!

she's baaaaack

I haven't written much for a long time now. It's not that I had been too busy, it's that I had lost my voice. I had loaned it out to someone else. I had borrowed theirs in exchange. this is me, getting my voice back. this is me recovering from spiritual laryngitis.

hello world, it's me, bethany ann toews. I have some things to say.

1.) I think people should get out and walk more often.
2.) If you look around for them, you will find heart shapes everywhere.
3.) if you are warm and open, you will be met with warmth and openness most of the time.
4.) there are prices to pay for honesty, but I still think it's the best policy.
5.) when you hide, treasures you could find will remain hidden.
6.) peanut butter and chocolate are suitable replacements for romance.
7.) dreams are not destinations but rather fields in which to take off all your clothes and run around naked in the sun.
8.) fact: if there were no birds, there would be spiders the size of cars.
9.) there are no stressful situations, only stressful responses.
10.) it is good to spend a little time each day in solitude and silence.
11.) food tastes better when it is shared with others.
12.) sex is awesome, but if it isn't an option, laughing feels pretty awesome too.
13.) french fries are fucking delicious.
14.) love is an act, not an idea or a feeling.
15.) the only thing harder than letting go, is holding on.
16.) there is nothing wrong with you. 
17.) donuts are health food if you feel joy while eating them.
18.) babies are fucking cute.
19.) getting lost is just part of finding. finding things will often lead to losing them so you can find new things to lose.
20.) we are all a gift meant to be given. give, receive and give again. you can always give more of yourself, there is always more to give.

hooray for humans!

hooray for humans! our supercomputer brains and our cooperative genes keep us going. it is not our ideas, but the collaborative effort of bringing those ideas to life that makes us great. it is helping and being helped. it is seeing lack where you have excess and giving that away and then allowing for your lack to be filled by others with extra to give. it is pitching in and helping out. it is giving and receiving and giving again. it is what's mine is yours is mine is ours. sharing is caring. I think it's pretty incredible what we can do together. I think we can all pat ourselves on the back for neil's one small step. together we can build spaceships. together we make music and love and life and magic. hooray for humans, we rule!