Monday, November 12, 2012

do puppies ponder?




lately I've been vacillating, or oscillating, or whichever word better describes the pendulum swinging of the soul over the unfettered, unknown, undefined black space of uncertainty. the future. human history. my life. death and its inevitability. these are the things I find myself pondering while driving, or brushing my teeth, or watching america's next top model (in the failed attempt to stop thinking about such things). I look at puppies and wonder what their sweet squishy minds are going on about? perhaps they know the answers and so fret not? perhaps they understand the futility of worry, so worry not? perhaps they are simply thinking: eat, sleep, poop, repeat... I just want a break from the perpetual breakdown. I mean, yeah, I'm gonna die. we're all gonna die. putting the weight of that thought on the scale of my daily life doesn't do much but make my tummy hurt. I think I'm going to make a list, lists are like a mother's tit: they soothe, they satiate.

things I would like to do if I get the chance before I inevitably die as I am inevitably going to do one day perhaps soon or perhaps not for a long time (in no particular order):

1.) go to the grand canyon (I can't believe I still haven't done this)
2.) get paid to travel and sing my songs for people happy to hear them
3.) make babies, 2 or 3, or 8
4.) get electrolysis on my wolverine neck so I can stop wasting my life shaving it OR accept its existence and let it grow like the wild
5.) walk from the pacific ocean to the atlantic ocean
6.) learn to play the cello
7.) make some decorative pillows
8.) become an expert on something and then talk about it in a ken burns documentary (there's still time)
9.) roll down a hill in scotland
10.) eat sushi in japan
11.) go to newfoundland, just because I really like that its name is 3 words crammed together and then pronounced differently
12.) do that cheek swab ancestry thing and find out where I come from
13.) make a short film in which I eat so much ice cream that I projectile puke milk shake
14.) make enough money to pay for my parents to finally take that trip to ireland (and go with them)
15.) inspire people to be more open and honest and vulnerable, by being open and honest and vulnerable
16.) write a book, or several books on various things
17.) take a long trip on a boat somewhere warm
18.) begin again (for the tenth time) and actually finish anna karenina and brothers karamazov
19.) sing in front of a full orchestra and give people goosebumps and make people cry (in a good way)
20.) learn how to love and live heartfull in the moment knowing that it's all we really have

wow, I feel better, lighter, brighter! perhaps you would enjoy making a list...

much love,
b

3 comments:

Lorna said...

Bethany, you have a beautiful and formidable bucket list. You do realize that you could sing and attach it in an audio file to a blog post, right????????

Lorna

haerie pyo said...

you can cross 15 off because the your honesty with yourself and on this blog has definitely moved me to be more and more honest with myself and embracing who i am rather than judging myself so much. not only that but ive also been opening up to other people and as scary as its been, it is the most liberating feeling, true, there have been a lot of things happening in my life that has lead to this, but i know that following your blog over the past couple of years has been such a huge inspiration to me in a lot of ways. i know you dont know me, and i dont really know you, but i think you're really amazing.

bethany toews said...

That's a great idea Lorna! Working on it :)

Much love,
b