Saturday, November 20, 2010

dear future me

yesterday I wrote my future self an email. it ended with "I am proud of you in advance. love, b"

my hope is that when future me receives this email sent by present me, she is happy. that is really all. whatever that means-- rich, poor, famous, forgotten, I just hope she's happy. in the email I talked about her obnoxious laugh, how it's really too loud for most people, and how I hope she still has it. I hope that if nothing else, I go down as the girl who laughed a little too loudly for other people's comfort. I am not here to make things comfortable. I am here to make things better. there is a difference. I hope I am doing the latter. I could always be doing more. but I think I am doing a pretty good job.

it's such a struggle, to stay here, with present me, to not fall for future me and all that she has finally figured out. but under the strain of learning, I hope my face scrunched up would appear as a smile to a passerby. I am trying to find the joy in the toiling. sometimes I even manage to forget how difficult that can be.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

outside my window

outside my window, someone is beating an egg. I brush my teeth and wonder if they will be eating their breakfast alone. we live in solitary stacks. late at night I hear the clicking of typewriter keys. I am impressed. it pushes me to stay a little longer at my piano keys. we live side by side alone. who are these people sharing my water pipes? who is hiding behind these walls? perhaps I will go knocking...

and again the question forms in my quiet thoughts, are we supposed to go it alone? the valor of a solo flight vs. the pleasure of a party boat. I suppose as with everything, there is a point somewhere in the middle worth finding. I can't blame anyone else for my failings, but I can thank many for their help along the way. sometimes it's as simple as knowing they are there to make you a sandwich on the days things don't go so great. but ultimately, I need to take comfort in knowing I am the only fan I need. the only co-pilot on this flight is my faith in myself, everything else is just cocktails and peanuts. oh I know I've said these things before, but just as soon as I've forgotten them.

*originally written 7/26/2010