Monday, June 15, 2009

my island

Life is never easy for those who dream. -Robert James Waller

I used to hear music and ache. I felt the gape like a wound. I want that was the thought burning through my veins. but now, I hear music and sing. I feel its presence like a warm blanket wrapped around my dancing skin. I am that is now the thought that hums in my brain.

it takes so long sometimes, to arrive at ourselves. if I think about it, I guess it takes a lifetime, some people getting closer than others, some never even taking the first step. lately I have had a heightened awareness of the struggle to just be. I am surrounding by people begging the question how. how do I ignore what I'm told and hear what I know? how can I become unafraid to follow my fear? how will I know if I am making the right decision? all these questions that we ask ourselves as means of delaying action. the distractions from the actions that will free us from all the dissatisfaction. if it were easy, we would lose interest. it's supposed to be hard. it's supposed to be terrifying. it's supposed to seem nearly impossible. how else would we know what is possible? how else would we find ourselves?

I by no means am done discovering, but I have seen the outlines of my shore. it took me so long just to arrive at the knowledge that the destination I seek is in fact there -- but it's not some distant island I'm sloshing at sea to reach. it is in me. so close. so far. slowly I add a new coordinate to my map. x moves around marking a different spot each day. some days I am courageous enough and patient enough and strong enough to unearth the treasure, and some days I stay anchored in the boat, shivering in the cold of my own fog. I let myself have those days. I am learning to let myself have all the days, the glittering gold and ruby days, the gray and unfriendly days too. they are all my days. I am all my days. what matters is that I believe in my island, and it's not even about reaching it, it's about knowing it's there.

No comments: