Sunday, September 11, 2011

I am awake



I am awake. it is dark outside. I want so badly to pick up the phone and call someone right now, but I am giving them the space they need. so I let the space spread like an inky blot, I surround myself with its blackness. what doesn't kill you...

we love, we love hard. sometimes that love takes form as the perfect and pure thing it was intended. sometimes it gets distorted, filtered through fear and doubt and selfishness. the intention alone is not enough. we must watch that love like a hawk. we must constantly take stock, is my love being expressed as love, or has it been cleverly disguised as disappointment or judgement? is my fear of loss turning my love into a hard ball instead of a soft hug? it's easy to become very convinced that what we are doing is right, in response to so much wrong done upon us. but then sometimes a gift, in the disguise of a gut punch, forces you to realize you might be the one to blame for all your dissatisfaction. maybe the love you'd been missing was there all along and it was you that was shutting it out, calling it by another name. maybe you were too busy sinking into the vicious pit of self pity to notice that what you were wanting was right in front of you all along. ah to be a victim, it can feel so juicy, so victorious in its twisted way. but how is the world to respond to someone who feels so unjustly treated? all the blessings bestowed upon your head, tossed aside and dismissed as one more example of how you just have it so much rougher than you should. I am trying to stay with the fact that remains, I am lucky to be here. I am lucky to love, even when loving leaves you sick to your stomach in the middle of the night.

here is something I have been sitting with these past few days: strength is the softest thing you will find. strength is softer than a bunnies tail. strength is not hard like I have been thinking for too long now. I want to soften. I want to open wide and say aaaaaaah. I want to let it all in and have faith that it won't destroy me. I want to trust. I want to let down these walls that I've convinced myself were protecting me, when it is clear now, all they have done is keep me away from the one thing I am wanting--love.

here's to staying soft and open and loving like you mean it.

5 comments:

miss clover said...

lovely as always, just like you.

Carolina Mariana said...

Found your blog through your kickstarter. Thank you for this post. It makes me feel not so alone in my own similar feelings right now. I hope you find your strength and I will look for mine. Next paycheck, I'll be backing that project of yours. xo

The Girl with the Camera Necklace said...

I just found your blog yesterday and feel no shame in admitting I read through most of it. I couldn't stop. While listening to this TED talk just now, I couldn't help but think of something you'd written and I wanted to come back and share this in case you've never seen it. I hope you enjoy it because I know I did.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

bethany toews said...

the girl with the camera necklace, thank you so much for sharing this ted talk, it was such a welcome insight and message and came at the perfect time. I'm so glad that you found and appreciated my blog. :)

much love, b

The Girl with the Camera Necklace said...

You are welcome. You eloquently articulated exactly how I felt when I saw it! I really am enjoying your writing (and music!), so keep it coming any chance you get :) cheers lady.