open or close?

our skin and bones are not intended for what we often think - they are here to keep us from bursting.
life fills me and it is my flesh my muscle matter my rib cage my pelvis my skull - they keep me together, they maintain this constant explosion of joy of madness of overwhelm of frustration of pleasure of all the endlessness.
it is my body that anchors the heavens I hold inside.
it is my home - I choose if I see it as a cage or a stage. I can act out my life or I can hide and blame the walls. I can sing or I can whimper. I can beat my chest or bang my head.
I am the choices I make.
I grip the chord that pulls the curtain.
open or close? open or close? open or close?
I am the master behind the miraculousness that fills me. I can let it crowd out the air I need to breath or I can breath it.
in and out. in and out. in and out.
I choose between the cage or the stage. the singing or the whimpering.
I choose. I choose. I choose.
life.

who needs sleep?

lately I have been waking up before the sun. perhaps it is the fact that the man on my mind is in a different time zone. I am trying to align myself with his distant shore.

perhaps it is because I have work to do...

the other morning I woke up at 4:37AM and grabbed my voice recorder. a couple weeks before that, same thing at 5:35AM. what was it that woke me? a song. this song. I decided to lay it down while I was unable to lay down myself. I recorded this while the neighbors slept. who needs sleep when you have a dream?

while the conveyor belt keeps conveying

I have a rash on my face. not cool.

whenever I get a physical ailment I do not rush to rite aid in search of an ointment. I take a peek inside. a check-in checkup, if you will. "what's up?" I lovingly ask myself. I also call my mom knowing she will open up her hippy dippy mystical medical book (which I love) and look up "rash" and tell me that rashes are an indication of an emotional irritation over delay. and then a lightbulb will blink on in my brain and I will nod yes. yes, I am very irritated with delay right now. I can't help it. I know patience is a virtue, but I am not always a virtuous woman. I am trying. I am reminding myself that the goods are on their way. the goods are always on their way. there is a big beautiful conveyer belt conveying the blessings I seek. I know this. I believe this.

but sometimes I get tired and forget to remember that this is not a waiting period, this is my life.

right at this very moment the conveyor belt is dropping blessings on my head. yes, maybe there are bigger and better things down the line, but these things now, in this moment, they are preparing me for all that is to come. I am allowed to forget this fact. what matters is my vigilance in getting back on track. there is something I want that I don't have, but there will always be something. that won't change. how I choose to see everything leading up to the something is what matters. I've been around enough blocks to know, for each goal achieved, there will be infinitely more desires created. I will always want that which is out of reach. I just need to make sure to give that which is right in front of my face lots and lots of love while the conveyor belt keeps conveying.