processing the process

"Trust your process." ~Anne Wilson Schaef

I remember when I wasn't this sure about "things" - you know, career paths, boyfriends, the circumference of my pant legs - things like that. I am here now, still unsure, but sure that's it's perfectly ok to be so.

I am my process.

lately I've been taking great comfort in that. loving who I am becoming who I will be. loving who I was in all my unknowing. loving who I am now in all my unknowing. embracing the great pulsating process that is me and everything that I see (and don't see).

it's been a process getting to this point of honoring the process.

I think it started with sara, who first got me to stop creating with an end result in mind. to let go of what I wanted to get out of it. to express simply because I can, and not because it will make me rich or famous or loved, but because it makes me happy. it was a very complicated process to arrive at that simple fact, but once I got over my idea of what something should be and instead just started making and doing, I felt something profound - freedom. freedom from myself standing in my own way. no longer afraid of if it "isn't good" or if it never "goes anywhere", I can write and draw and sing and dance just because it feels good to do so.

now this is not to say that I don't still get scared, or confused, or uninspired, or bored or frustrated to the point of wanting to just get married and have 10 babies at once to fill up my three story house of longing. the difference is that now I am choosing to try and honor all the rooms of my soul. the small cramped closets full of junk, the big white rooms with bare walls, the pretty little nooks painted in soft yellows and lit with afternoon light, the living rooms filled with stiff couches draped in squeaky vinyl. to be willing to sit in the spaces that are uncomfortable or terrifying, knowing that just past the hall is a room with a canopy bed covered in big fluffy pillows and filled with all my favorite people laughing and listening to music and dancing and eating cake.

it's all part of the process.

who am I to fight myself? I am not the enemy? I am a soldier in the process of learning to battle every fearful thought that barricades me from living my truth. and hot damn! if that doesn't get tiring. and good lord! if sometimes I don't feel like raising a white flag. but I will let the heart on my sleeve bleed dry before I give up on the endless process of me becoming me. because to me, the alternative of pleated khaki pants walking through an endless mall is not an option. not doing what is scary is the scariest idea of all.