we are lucky in our longing

my lover is on the road.
my lover is in a different time zone.
my lover is lodged in my chest, pointy elbows poking into my ribs, warm whispered I love you's calming my heart.

so this is love? it seems to always come in unexpected packaging. we fell and then he flew away. he returns for what is mind-blowing bliss only to board a plane again. and he is off. and I miss him.

and I thank the heavens for the ache.

and I hear from him at 2 in the morning or 8 in the morning or 5:37 at night or whenever else he gets a free moment from the rise of rock n roll fame.

I fall asleep late and wake early, just hoping to hear his voice, his beautiful voice.

others are starting to fall for him too. for his energy on stage, for his beautiful music, for his magnificent mustache. I asked him the other day if he will still need my love when millions of people love him -- he said that he will need it then, more than ever. I believe him. he also said this:

Our love is an egg, I am a bird. Our love is a ship in the night, I am the watchman on the tower.
You can close your eyes and sleep without worrying, because your heart is safe.

it is hard to miss him so much, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

we are lucky in our longing.

this innerspaceship

it's all happening now. of course it's always been happening. if only we could have a magical magnifying glass in the times of doubt to help us find the clues that are always surrounding us. if only we could steady our aim, our shaking knees, our wavering minds. if only we could resolve with the calm of the ages that we are getting there, somewhere, ever-moving forward.

of course there are also those times when the signs are everywhere, impossible to ignore. those times can feel so good, so exciting, euphoric even. those times can also feel overwhelming and terrifying, rattling us with a desire for a return to the crib. it is our labor of love to not hide, to not shrink. to delight fully in filling our guts with the proof pudding our hungry hearts have been craving.

a good bit of advice I once gleaned from a hippy dippy video whose title shall go unmentioned due to its eye-rolling overuse, is this: when you have an inspired thought, act on it. I would add to that, act on it immediately. don't let that moment, of what I like to think is clarity, slip into the murkiness of a pot of over-thought self-doubting mumbo gumbo. take steps right at that moment to bring that idea to life. follow your inner guide and go where it is you're always wanting to go, but for one reason or another haven't gone yet. and don't get caught up in the why of why you haven't gone there yet, or why you're not already there or well past it, for that really doesn't matter. what matters is that you're going now. so go. do. move in the direction your chest is facing. trust that you know far more than you or anyone else realizes. trust you.

I believe that our only real task is to believe -- in ourselves, in others, in the process, in the deliciousness of cinnamon rolls, in the glory of sunsets. to believe that all we imagined possible, is in fact possible. that the only thing blocking our view of paradise is our own hand shielding our eyes for fear that we can't handle its beauty. we can handle it. we can deal with overwhelming joy. we can be the masters of our wildest imaginings. how delightful, how terrifying, we are the ones behind the controls of this innerspaceship. we decide if we blast off or implode. will we explore our outer reaches or stay grounded in florida, sweating in our suits? how delightful, how terrifying, we decide. and for what it's worth my fellow astronauts, I believe in you. I believe in us.

red rockets of desire

I want this. I am going to get this. soon enough. soon enough. oh you Nord Electro 3 sixty-one keyed beauty with your velocity layers and your waterfall keys and your saucy red finish. you will be mine. my fingers will make you moan luscious melodies. we will become so very close. I will tell you all my secrets and you will sing them to the world. I can't wait. I can wait. I will wait a little longer, but not much longer...