big dreams and toy pianos

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. ~Frank Herbert


october 1st, I haven't written in a while, and though I have my list of excuses, all the letters rearranged spell the same word, laziness. I've been busy, yes, though not too busy to watch several 80's movies, some good, some bad, and some terrible. I've been entertaining guests, yes, but there are always moments to sneak away and write. I haven't known what to write about, though that is never an excuse. open your eyes, hell, close your eyes, and you'll see a multitude of subjects worthy of writerly examination. the truth is, I have been wasting the last while hiding out in a lion's den of doubt. I have been frolicking in the endless field of fear.

I am a musician, have been since childhood when all I had to bang on was a $50 toy piano. for me, oxygen is made up of melody. I have made of my life a musical. and while I long to share my song with someone other than my mom, I am afraid. afraid that it is stupid or unimaginative or unoriginal, or perhaps I'm afraid it is amazing and then I will be overwhelmed by all the expectation that follows...

I am afraid of doing the one thing that makes me unafraid.

I love to sing more than anything else I have endeavored to do. so why do I find endless routes away from this undeniable destination? no matter why, only matter what. what I do with this awareness. how I overcome this fear. as shakespeare said,

Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt.

I will attempt and where the fear has gone there will be nothing. only I will remain, singing.

today I wrote a new song on the piano. perhaps I will play it for you...